I am back and I am a failure.

Okay... I will blog.. grins

First thing.. my paper for anthropology last year.. he used it as an example this semester. My paper for Cultural Communications.. she used it as an example this semester.

This semester however sucks. I had to drop chemistry as I was flunking. I have not gotta brave enough to tell my husband yet, mostly because he will be so disappointed in me. I have not had chemistry since the 8th grade, and you know the teacher brags how students have to take the class twice just to pass. Really?  Not me.. I am done and I feel like such a failure.

I am applying to two bridge programs nursing schools. I am not ... I repeat.. I am not going to school for 4 years. I refuse. So, I am looking at options. Resp. Therapy... lab tech. I mean I can always be an LPN on the side.

I am not 18, and I don't have all the time in the world to devote to these classes. My Chem teacher said if we don't pass her class then we did not want our career bad enough. No I guess I don't.

However, Comp. two is my very favorite and I am writing a paper on Bruce Springsteen. .. More later...

I have a reader!

I hate chemestry.... and since I have a reader I will be back...

Grins..

Thrown to the Wolves

To day I am overwhelmed. Everything I learned in Math, I lost when I took a test today. I keep asking myself why did I go back to school. Why did I think I was smart enough to get all of this done? There are not enough hours in the day to get everything done.

With all of this thinking, I found my calling. Nursing is my passion. I am not the smartest nurse that has walked this heart, but I am a very good nurse. I find it terrible that it is such a competition to get into nursing school. There is suppose to be a shortage right? I think I want to teach. I want to teach and start a program for non-traditional students to help them through nursing school. It's not that I want to make the nursing program easier, but to help those like me who are struggling with the everyday classes to get there. I think I want to teach in the nursing program which means that I have to get my BSN.

How many men and women struggle out there? How many of them had different jobs, stayed home with their children, or with the new economic status of our country find themselves back in school? There are no support systems for us. We are thrown to the wolves, competing the with younger generation, and like me, being made fun of because I don't even remember basic math.

Today I don't even feel like I belong here. I fear that I will flunk out and disappoint my husband and that I will disappoint my children. I am going to live this life without ever fulfilling my dreams. Yes, I think about death. I am 45 years old. I just found my best friend and a happiness that I have never known before. I wish I was in my 20's and know what I know now.

Today I will go home and nap. I will then take a short walk and regroup before going to work and staying up late.

It feels right

School has been going much better. I think I aced my Math test today, and I got and 8 out of 10 on my last Anthropology essay words. I am enjoying school. I now have myself on a scheduled on what I plan to study and restudy daily.

I took my Mom grocery shopping the other day. She no longer drives, so I take her weekly or whenever she needs to go. I am a student now. Money is tight at time. I have learned that Aldi's milk tastes great, and their Honey Wheat Bread not only tastes good, but is fresher than other stores bread. My Mom refuses to buy anything at Aldi's. I had to take her to two other grocery stores, and I am thinking really?? My daugher pointed out that she is old enough to enjoy eating what she wants. Very true, and very wise daughter.

My patient I take care of in his home is in the hospital. I am sitting her now so that he does not have to be alone. No, I am not getting paid for it. I am doing it because I care. He is two years older than my boys. He is very sick and scared. The nurse here treated me like I am stupid. I know what a freaking draw sheet is.

I look around this room, and out at the nurses station. I miss working in the hospital setting. I miss starting IV's, hanging drips, talking to the families. I hope that I can and will make it through school to be an RN. I was made to do this. It feels right.

Anthropology

Anthropology... Not sure I am going to make it through this class. I did get 10 points on my essay quiz but then everyone in the class did. He then told us that this was a level 2 college class, and that spelling, grammar, and punctuation all needed to be correct. You need to be able to write a complete sentence. Then he picked on the researching we did on each word. In other words, he wants us to look up the words and know them, but also be able to relate them to something he teaches or one of the many articles he buts on line. He really does not follow the book. Most of the words are not in the book from the Week word list. He said we will have another quiz on Thursday but did not say what it was over. Is it week one word list or week two word list? I sent him an email and he did not answer. So, how can we have a quiz on something we haven't even studied in the book or in class. In the syllabus and in class he said he would put 5 words on the board and we were to pick two to write about. He picked one word for us. Not at all what he said. Now, I don't know what to study and I am finding it hard to find the definitions to the word list. I walked out of that classroom feeling completely stupid.

I think he is a good higher level, critical thinking classroom teacher. I think he is every worldly with a little ego to go with it.

I plan to talk to my tutor and advisor to tomorrow and see what they say. Maybe I am not ready for this type of class. I am holding my own in all my other classes so far.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I am in my mid 40's. My age is catching up with me. If I have to go a full three years, I will get out of college at the age of 48. Tonight I am wondering just what I was thinking by going back.

Goals

My last two days of the first week went fine. I didn't do anything stupid. I talked to some new people. Not bad all and all. My Anthropology Professor cut off his hair! He does look 10 years younger, but I liked the long hair. The project we have due in that class really scares me.

This weekend I worked Friday night until midnight, Saturday day, and today. Nice thing about my job I can study while at work on down time. I got all my grocery shopping for next week done last night. I have to do laundry tonight, and True Blood is on! I won't have a day off until next Sunday!!

I miss my boys who are off to college. I suppose Mom's always miss their children. I was at work when on of the older boys came by yesterday.

Lifetime fitness starts this week. I don't know where I am going to find the time for this class. You get one point for a 40 minute workout. After tomorrows orientation I Will have 2 points. I need 36 points to get an A in the class. I will have to figure this out ahead of time and plan when I am going to the Fitness Center. I think we get 2 points for each wellness lecture.

Goals for the Fall Semester

1. Get an A in all my classes
2. Lose 25 lbs (cause I am doing lifetime fitness class)
3. Work on my ABS and flatten my abd. more
4. By losing weight I can get back into all my jeans that are in my closet
5. Make new friends
6. Learn to reduce stress
7. Lower our monthly bills even more so I have to work less
8. Make sure I spend enough time with my husband
9. Spend time with my children
10. To be happy with no stress!

So, that is what the inside of the Men's room looks like.

I went to college early today. We get extra credit for going on a tour at the math lab. I did my tour, left in a hurry as I had to go to the restroom and get to class. I walked down the hall saw the restroom sign and went in. It was disscusting. Toilet paper on the stool in one stall, urine on the stool in the other stall, so I went in the large handicap stall. It was clean! When I was done I was washing my hands and in walks a young man about 19 years old.

"I am in the men's aren't I." I said turning all shades of red.

"Yea." he replied.

"I am so embarrised." I utter as I quickly walk out the door, and down the stairs as fast as I can. I hope to never see him on campus again.

I bought an academic planner. I can't keep up when everything is due.

We got free pancakes today. It was to "Welcome back Students" week.

I have plenty of homework tonight. I am stressing about the essay questions tomorrow in anthropology. Why essay? I have to come up with five questions on an article in History. I can do this...I can do this.

I did get a little lonely today. I don't know anyone on campus. I don't know anyone in my classes. It is like I stepped into another world. I was wishing that my husband was going to school to. I don't know who I would call if I needed help in a class. There is no roster. I wonder if other older students feel he same way?