Thrown to the Wolves

To day I am overwhelmed. Everything I learned in Math, I lost when I took a test today. I keep asking myself why did I go back to school. Why did I think I was smart enough to get all of this done? There are not enough hours in the day to get everything done.

With all of this thinking, I found my calling. Nursing is my passion. I am not the smartest nurse that has walked this heart, but I am a very good nurse. I find it terrible that it is such a competition to get into nursing school. There is suppose to be a shortage right? I think I want to teach. I want to teach and start a program for non-traditional students to help them through nursing school. It's not that I want to make the nursing program easier, but to help those like me who are struggling with the everyday classes to get there. I think I want to teach in the nursing program which means that I have to get my BSN.

How many men and women struggle out there? How many of them had different jobs, stayed home with their children, or with the new economic status of our country find themselves back in school? There are no support systems for us. We are thrown to the wolves, competing the with younger generation, and like me, being made fun of because I don't even remember basic math.

Today I don't even feel like I belong here. I fear that I will flunk out and disappoint my husband and that I will disappoint my children. I am going to live this life without ever fulfilling my dreams. Yes, I think about death. I am 45 years old. I just found my best friend and a happiness that I have never known before. I wish I was in my 20's and know what I know now.

Today I will go home and nap. I will then take a short walk and regroup before going to work and staying up late.

It feels right

School has been going much better. I think I aced my Math test today, and I got and 8 out of 10 on my last Anthropology essay words. I am enjoying school. I now have myself on a scheduled on what I plan to study and restudy daily.

I took my Mom grocery shopping the other day. She no longer drives, so I take her weekly or whenever she needs to go. I am a student now. Money is tight at time. I have learned that Aldi's milk tastes great, and their Honey Wheat Bread not only tastes good, but is fresher than other stores bread. My Mom refuses to buy anything at Aldi's. I had to take her to two other grocery stores, and I am thinking really?? My daugher pointed out that she is old enough to enjoy eating what she wants. Very true, and very wise daughter.

My patient I take care of in his home is in the hospital. I am sitting her now so that he does not have to be alone. No, I am not getting paid for it. I am doing it because I care. He is two years older than my boys. He is very sick and scared. The nurse here treated me like I am stupid. I know what a freaking draw sheet is.

I look around this room, and out at the nurses station. I miss working in the hospital setting. I miss starting IV's, hanging drips, talking to the families. I hope that I can and will make it through school to be an RN. I was made to do this. It feels right.