Thrown to the Wolves

To day I am overwhelmed. Everything I learned in Math, I lost when I took a test today. I keep asking myself why did I go back to school. Why did I think I was smart enough to get all of this done? There are not enough hours in the day to get everything done.

With all of this thinking, I found my calling. Nursing is my passion. I am not the smartest nurse that has walked this heart, but I am a very good nurse. I find it terrible that it is such a competition to get into nursing school. There is suppose to be a shortage right? I think I want to teach. I want to teach and start a program for non-traditional students to help them through nursing school. It's not that I want to make the nursing program easier, but to help those like me who are struggling with the everyday classes to get there. I think I want to teach in the nursing program which means that I have to get my BSN.

How many men and women struggle out there? How many of them had different jobs, stayed home with their children, or with the new economic status of our country find themselves back in school? There are no support systems for us. We are thrown to the wolves, competing the with younger generation, and like me, being made fun of because I don't even remember basic math.

Today I don't even feel like I belong here. I fear that I will flunk out and disappoint my husband and that I will disappoint my children. I am going to live this life without ever fulfilling my dreams. Yes, I think about death. I am 45 years old. I just found my best friend and a happiness that I have never known before. I wish I was in my 20's and know what I know now.

Today I will go home and nap. I will then take a short walk and regroup before going to work and staying up late.